Friday, January 14, 2011

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FORKS EACH GUEST WILL USE?!?

FOUR. FOUR FORKS. If you have 100 people, that's $200!

JUST FOR FORKS.

So I went to the Seattle Wedding Show last Saturday with my friends Jess and Lisa. Lisa is getting married next month, and Jess is one of my bridesmaids. Actually I think this weekend we determined that she is my bridespinster, or at least you'd think that from the way bridal vendors treated her. It takes more than a bride to get married, people, treat the party nicely.

Honestly, the whole thing is basically designed for you to sign up on people's mailing lists. "Want to sign up to win this awesome thing? Good, we'll need your name, phone number, address, email, social security number, first born child." So far I luckily haven't received too many emails, but I did receive one phone call. FROM THE DEVIL. Basically, the Wedding-S#*t-Show included samples of A LOT OF CAKE. And I love me some cake, but after about 2 1/2 hours of trying cake I needed real food before I went into a diabetic coma. We walked by a booth that looked like it had samples of real food and because we were desperate, when they asked if we were looking for a caterer we said yes. And honestly, I didn't have a caterer, so it was totally possible, right? They were some sort of tacky all-inclusive caterer - super cheap and kind of "wedding in a box" style (like a bed in a bag?). Anyway, the caterer had some fancy champagne giveaway so we started signing up. Oh, and turns out the food was JUST FOR SHOW. So that was completely pointless. Then this exchange happened.

Caterer lady (with hideous fake nails that I couldn't stop staring at): So, when is the big day?

Me: Oh, July

Caterer lady: WHAT OH MY GOD THAT IS PRACTICALLY NEXT WEEK! YOU NEED TO GET A CATERER LIKE YESTERDAY!

Me: Oh, you know, it's fine. We're still figuring out what we're going to do and we've got 6 months, we're fine.

Bat$#*! Crazy Caterer Lady: NO,  YOU HAVE NO TIME! NO TIME!  YOU MAY NOT EVEN BE ABLE TO HAVE A WEDDING. YOU NEED TO BOOK EVERYTHING TODAY.

Me: ...

My friend Jess: Whoa, calm down, don't freak her out.

Crazy bad nails Caterer Lady: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FORKS EACH GUEST WILL USE?!?! FOUR! FOUR FORKS PER GUEST! FORKS ARE 50 CENTS EACH! IF YOU HAVE 100 GUESTS, THAT'S $200. JUST FOR FORKS!

Me: ...

Jess: ...

Lisa: ...

Caterer woman I hate: TAKE ALL THIS INFORMATION, YOU NEED US. IT IS SUPER CHEAP AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING (Translation: you don't need to have a personality, we can provide one for you. Mediocre food is fine, as long as you don't have to deal with it) CALL US TOMORROW BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TIME! NO TIME AT ALL! 6 MONTHS IS LIKE TWO DAYS! YOU SHOULD PANIC!

Me: .... (backing away slowly)

Me - 10 minutes later: I HATE THAT LADY F:LSDJR:EIJF:LKSDJFSLJ!!! @$)($&Y#W@#*@!@#!!! NEED FOOD AND WINE NOW DAMMIT!! IF I SEE THAT WOMAN AGAIN I'M GOING TO PUNCH HER IN THE *&$@*#HFHFLDJF@!)$rJHFI2E4UR4E

So yeah, that is the most stand out thing from the day. And I received a phone call from them. I have half a mind to call them up and tell them to shove their low rent catering you know where.

Turns out a few good things did come from going, though. I figured out that food trucks aren't overpriced and are a super awesome way to do something cool for food. And it is way easier than potluck, which was starting to cause me to feel slightly insane from trying to figure out all the logistics. So we're going with a street food truck called Maximus/Minimus that serves the most delicious pulled pork sandwiches ever. AND the truck is shaped like a giant pig!

Mmmm, delicious pig.

So, that is fun and exciting. And I also talked to some florists that I really like, hopefully we can still afford it. Although I'm starting to think if I just throw some ball jars on the tables and fill them with market flowers it will still look pretty. I just keep telling myself, it doesn't have to be perfect. I want it to be the opposite of what some of those horrible vendors at the wedding show wanted it to be, I want it to be inexpensive and unique.

Also, I'm back on the wedding planning wagon after a hiatus. The holidays were too distracting, and for a few months I also was under the impression that I still had a year even though the year was dwindling away. Now I'm back to feeling nuts about wedding planning. I made this little mood/inspiration collage that I like to look at every time I feel stressed, though. It has one of the bridesmaids dresses on it, my dress, my headpiece and my beautiful necklace (purchased for me by my wonderful friend Meredith). Oh, and it has the shoes I'm going to wear. If you've been around me lately and heard me talking about wedding shoes, you would have probably heard me say something like "I hate shoes" or "maybe barefoot?", but I realized that the no shoes thing really only would go well with a hippie dress, and I just didn't buy a hippie dress, so I needed shoes. I also don't wear heels. I just don't. I don't care if it is only for an hour, I don't like it and I am no longer purchasing high heeled shoes. That is just the way it is. So I made the decision to buy these cute little custom made brocade flats. Of course, immediately following my purchase I showed someone my collage and said those were the shoes and they were like, "Oh, you mean the reception shoes for when your heels get uncomfortable?" and I was all, no, the shoes I'm going to wear and she was like "But you want to wear heels!" in this way that made it seem like it would be the saddest thing in the world and I'd be making a huge mistake and deep down I really want to wear heels. And for about 10 minutes I sat there thinking, yeah, I should get some heels. I want to wear heels. I need pretty big girl shoes. And then at the end of those 10 minutes I suddenly went WHAT THE HELL? WHY AM I LETTING PEOPLE GET IN THE WAY OF MY VISION? I need to trust my damn instincts and go with what I want.

Same thing happened about the rehearsal dinner. I don't want to have one. It isn't necessary. The dinner/party will be the actual wedding, end of story. But someone told me I needed to have one as a thank you to the wedding party and family and I went around thinking for the rest of the day that I needed to have one. And then I remembered why I didn't want to have one to begin with. I don't need two events, I need one. I only have money for one. We're already providing a big dinner and cake, I think that is enough. I'm not traditional, why should I follow traditions that I don't want to? When did this stop being about Dan and me?

I just have to learn to take what other people say with a grain of salt. Everyone has an opinion - about my wedding, about your parenting, about my diet, about how much television you watch. Judgypants, EVERYONE. I know I'm guilty of it, but I now try to keep the opinions to myself because I know how it can make someone crazy. I mean, I'm already crazy enough without someone laying their anxiety inducing advice all over me. Am I right?

UPDATE! I'm not usually one to call out terrible businesses by name on my blog, but I just read the few reviews on Yelp of the catering company I was referring to above and OMG, they're terrible and I had to share:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/browns-catering-renton

4 comments:

  1. you are sooooo absolutely right....do what you want...it's your day...

    love, mom...

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  2. You don't HAVE to do ANYTHING that you don't WANT to do. IF you were throwing some BIG LAVISH $50K+ wedding, then yeah, there are "expectations" and you are laying out the money for that crap & people are expecting something. Trust me, you don't want that junk!
    Here's what you should do--plan YOUR wedding. Don't plan anyone else's wedding and don't let anyone else plan yours! You are different, you are unique & you are individual! Everyone who is coming to your wedding already knows this & LOVES this about you. If you had some "typical" wedding we'd all be like "oh...that's weird. That didn't seem to suit those guys AT ALL". Do what is right for YOU! It's your guys's day!
    Have fun with it! AND you are TOTALLY off to the right start with the pig! That's so cool!!
    And flats--uh, yeah, if you want to wear flats & you found cute shoes you like--it's FINE!
    This is a fun day--pretty much EVERYONE is going to be all teary & crying anyway! hee hee So just enjoy it! If you don't want to feel like doing flowers for it, don't. If you feel like buying some flowers from the market & setting them up in vases on tables would be just as nice--you have friends who will ALL pitch in to help. Don't worry so much. Remember your audience--all of us, we know you guys & love you & are just wanting to get together to celebrate that you found each other. Just have fun!!

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  3. One thing I learned while planning my wedding back in 1997 (I was 34 then) is that you will never make everyone happy. Nope, someone will think you're wrong or stupid or whatever. F*** 'em. It's your day, your memories, and frankly, no one will remember the little details except for a handful of people anyway. Do you remember the shoes of the brides whose weddings you've been to in the past? Probably not.

    I wore white sneakers under my wedding dress. I hate shoes. I live in black New Balance sneakers. So I compromised and bought feminine white leather sneakers that were totally flat and something I'd never wear. But they were comfortable. Everyone told me I just *had* to at least decorate them with lace. Uh, no. You're lucky I'm not barefoot and wearing tiedye.

    I got a lot of good advice on budget wedding planning from the Bridal Bargains books (http://www.windsorpeak.com/bridalbargains/default.html). I did a lot of things that others thought cheap: no cocktail hour, no open bar (just beer/wine on the tables), no limo (although a family member decided to pay for it since they thought it horrific to show up at my wedding in a Nissan Maxima; I thought it horrific to pay $300 for a limo ... but if you're paying ...). My flowers cost very little. Small mini carnation centerpieces. My bridesmaid had carnations, and mine was roses. My giveaway gift was a bookmark I had made up with a quote from a favorite song, and our names/wedding date on it; very cheap, but very personal.

    Oh, and I love the idea of the street food truck! It's different, and it's something I'd always remember from a wedding, not another plate of mediocre swedish meatballs.

    Remember: it's YOUR wedding. The only people that need to be happy are you and your fiance. (And maybe your mom a little bit, since she's a friend of mine :) I haven't met you, but I just love how you come across so unique and a free spirit ... plan your wedding to be an extension of your awesome personality! And screw everybody else. ;)

    Sue

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  4. Apocalypse pig. I can't think of a better name for that pig van.

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