Out of Order

To say that my life right now is in utter chaos is grossly overstating the situation, but in my brain that is how I feel. Maybe I'm just down because of "lady time" or because I had quite the epic fall last week and still feel very achy from it. Or perhaps it is because my apartment is the kind of messy that would gross me out anywhere else but my own home. It could be that I'm in the middle of a week of crazy work meetings that make me feel frustrated and desperate for a nap. I just feel cluttered and like chores are building up and rather than doing anything productive I'd rather sit on the couch and zone out completely. And then in the middle of the night the past two nights I have woken up in a panic. That kind of heart racing, butterflies flying panic that makes it completely impossible to lie still let alone sleep. Is there something I have forgotten to do? Probably more like something I'm procrastinating.

I feel like I want to talk it out, tell people how I am feeling and then maybe I'll feel better. But typing this now makes me feel a bit more panicky and I start making a list in my head. The biggest bullet point on that list would be CLEAN THE DAMN APARTMENT. But as easy as that sounds to most of you, we've let it get to that overwhelming point where you think maybe moving or firebombing might be a great next step. So we decide that it is time to invite friends over for a little holiday thing that we did the last two years, and that will motivate us to clean. But I know we'll wait until the last minute to do it, and then I'll also have to be grocery shopping, cooking, going to the liquor store, getting the Christmas tree and decorating it. Meanwhile I have a desk that is towering over with wedding crap that I don't know what to do with for the next 8 months because putting it under the bed will only mean the cats will eat it. And if you think I am joking, you haven't met my cats.

Also, I want to make candy. I want to make peppermint bark and this toffee thing with graham crackers that my grandma makes. Oh, and I got a recipe for cake balls, which are pretty much little truffles but the insides are made out of cake and frosting. But I don't have time. I need more time! Because after work just isn't going to cut it. Maybe I'll stay up all night Friday night making candy, then clean all day on Saturday, then get the tree Sunday morning and decorate it while baking the cookies to decorate in the afternoon. But see, I don't have to make any candy at all, so why should I? Because that is the one thing that I want to do right now. I don't want to do chores, but I want to do something that is kind of like a chore because it is fun even though it is actually exhausting and stressful. I want to do it to relax. What?