Out of Order

To say that my life right now is in utter chaos is grossly overstating the situation, but in my brain that is how I feel. Maybe I'm just down because of "lady time" or because I had quite the epic fall last week and still feel very achy from it. Or perhaps it is because my apartment is the kind of messy that would gross me out anywhere else but my own home. It could be that I'm in the middle of a week of crazy work meetings that make me feel frustrated and desperate for a nap. I just feel cluttered and like chores are building up and rather than doing anything productive I'd rather sit on the couch and zone out completely. And then in the middle of the night the past two nights I have woken up in a panic. That kind of heart racing, butterflies flying panic that makes it completely impossible to lie still let alone sleep. Is there something I have forgotten to do? Probably more like something I'm procrastinating.

I feel like I want to talk it out, tell people how I am feeling and then maybe I'll feel better. But typing this now makes me feel a bit more panicky and I start making a list in my head. The biggest bullet point on that list would be CLEAN THE DAMN APARTMENT. But as easy as that sounds to most of you, we've let it get to that overwhelming point where you think maybe moving or firebombing might be a great next step. So we decide that it is time to invite friends over for a little holiday thing that we did the last two years, and that will motivate us to clean. But I know we'll wait until the last minute to do it, and then I'll also have to be grocery shopping, cooking, going to the liquor store, getting the Christmas tree and decorating it. Meanwhile I have a desk that is towering over with wedding crap that I don't know what to do with for the next 8 months because putting it under the bed will only mean the cats will eat it. And if you think I am joking, you haven't met my cats.

Also, I want to make candy. I want to make peppermint bark and this toffee thing with graham crackers that my grandma makes. Oh, and I got a recipe for cake balls, which are pretty much little truffles but the insides are made out of cake and frosting. But I don't have time. I need more time! Because after work just isn't going to cut it. Maybe I'll stay up all night Friday night making candy, then clean all day on Saturday, then get the tree Sunday morning and decorate it while baking the cookies to decorate in the afternoon. But see, I don't have to make any candy at all, so why should I? Because that is the one thing that I want to do right now. I don't want to do chores, but I want to do something that is kind of like a chore because it is fun even though it is actually exhausting and stressful. I want to do it to relax. What?

like studying, only more fun

I often have people asking me to teach them how to do things that I do pretty easily, like cooking, canning, baking and knitting. Sometimes computer stuff, but I'm not really that technical, I'm just good at problem solving/figuring things out. But for all the homey stuff I do, I'd say I'm probably around 98% self taught. Sure, someone showed me how to cook the first time, and knit the first time, but after that it all came down to what information I could find in books, on TV or on the internet.

I was never a great student in school because I didn't really like doing homework. Now, by homework I mean the work part of the equation. Reading up on a subject and listening to lectures was fun for me and I always did incredibly well on tests. But if I needed to turn in a paper or my work on mathematical equations, etc, I never did well because I was super lazy. I just learn from absorbing. That is how it is with cooking for me. Like studying. I take the time to commit a recipe to memory as if I were preparing for an exam. Because it is hard to do everything so quickly, which is usually how things need to be done, when you have to stop every 30 seconds and read the next step. Now, I'm not saying I don't have the recipe with me when I'm cooking as a cheat sheet, I'm just saying I try to really know what I am about to do way before I actually do it. It is just better for the final result. So, nothing I do really takes any special skill other than researching the stuff so I know it well.

Also, finding out the science of things can help too. I really like to wing it when I cook things, but when it comes to baking and canning, you can't just make things up and expect them to work. There is a science to it, but if you know the science than you can figure out how to make subtle changes without ruining the overall result. In baking this usually means something like replacing a portion of liquid with another liquid to give it a different flavor, or using a different color sugar or a different type of flour to change the texture.

Canning is a little different, just because you really have to have something exact to make it safe. But there are a lot of safe and approved recipes, so if you research and study all of the recipes you can find, you can figure out how to merge them if you want to tweak things a little based on your preferred ingredients. For instance, I am making a recipe from Ina Garten (The Barefoot Contessa) called Anna's Orange Marmalade currently (it is in the overnight phase right now), but because I read in a few other recipes that you can enhance the flavor by replacing the water with orange juice, and because I saw some lime added in yet another recipe, I replaced 1 cup of the water with lime juice I happened to have. It still has the right amount of liquid, just slightly changed to add a little extra sourness.

A big thing with all of this is finding out WHY you are doing something. Why do you need yeast in bread? Because it won't rise if you don't use it. Why do you need lemon juice or vinegar in canned salsa? Because you need a certain level of acidity to kill harmful bacteria. Why do you need to yarn over or knit into the front and back of a stitch? Because you need to increase a stitch. Once you start figuring out why things work the way they do, that is why you can be more creative. I see people having issues with their knitting more because they don't know how many stitch variations work, yet they also don't want to follow a pattern. I too don't like to follow certain patterns very strictly, but it is a lot easier if you know why a stitch does something so you don't need to follow a pattern. However, with lace, I have no patience for figuring out my own fancy patterns, so I stick to the instructions on those. But even when I have an exact pattern, I read the whole thing first to make sure I understand all the instructions and can anticipate what will be next.

It is all about studying up and knowing what you are doing. Nothing I do is all that complicated, I just spend a good amount of prep time figuring things out first so then I don't feel like I'm jumping into something scary.

Also, the biggest thing? If you do screw things up it isn't the end of the world. I've made some real messes for dinner before, and hand to unravel many a knitting project. I think we all need to learn to be a little less scared to mess up and less concerned about the wasted time, and more interested in the learning process.

Cooking Mania

And by mania, I mean the manic half of manic depression. Can't quite figure out what is "wrong" with me, but all I want to do is make stuff. But like, I don't really want to cook meals, I want to make mass quantities as if I were preparing for the apocalypse. I have 20 jars of pickles, 8 jars of salsa and tomorrow I'll have about 6 jars of orange marmalade. I'm not even done with the marmalade, but now I'm already completely obsessed with making pumpkin pie. But not just regular pumpkin pie, I want to make pumpkin pie from real fresh pumpkin. Oh, and I am already collecting recipes for the marmalade. My big plan right now is to make a twist on brie en croute with apricot jam, using the marmalade instead of the jam and Saint Andre cheese in place of the brie. I think it is going to be pretty spectacular. Also I found a really tasty crock pot recipe for orange marmalade curry chicken that I think I will make soon. I love curry!

It really does feel like a mild form of mania, like my brain can't stop running with all the ideas of things I can make. One minute I'm looking up tortellini recipes, next minute I'm bookmarking 5 recipes for my bread machine.

And of course, making all of this stuff in my cramped and messy kitchen without half the tools usually recommended for things like canning is a little crazy. I like to think of it as extreme cooking, like extreme sports. There is an element of danger. Like how I don't have jar tongs for removing processed jars from the pot of boiling water - so I scoop the jar up with a spoon and grab it with a pot holder, hoping that it doesn't slip out of my hand and trying to keep the boiling water from soaking through the pot holder and burning me. Or not using gloves to chop 3 pounds of spicy peppers and then scratching the inside of my nostril. Hm, maybe it isn't extreme cooking and is just dumb cooking.  I don't want to buy all the tools though, because I want to ask for them for my birthday, which is now less than a month away.

So until then, kitchen shenanigans will ensue. Extreme manic cooking for the apocalypse. 

Preservation

I've suddenly become completely obsessed with making vast quantities of food for freezing or canning. Or, well, mainly I'm obsessed with making filled dumplings and pickles.

Last week I made possibly over 100 pelmeni Russian dumplings. Basically a simple noodle dough filled with a basic meat mixture of beef, pork, onions and spices and shaped similarly to tortellini. I had some at Bumbershoot that were really delicious and I had to make some. There are a ton in my freezer right now. I ate them for 3 or 4 meals and I'm sick of them, but now I know in a month when I have a craving, I can throw some in some boiling water.

I feel like I am preparing for something, like hibernation. Or maybe I'm just preparing for my own laziness. It is beginning to make me feel a little manic-depressive. I can go for weeks not wanting to cook a damn thing, but suddenly all I want to be doing is making these time consuming concoctions.

Kinda looks like my pickles are already too heavy for the shelf.
We're gonna need a bigger boat.

I made dill pickle chips and pickled green beans yesterday. My friend gave me a bunch of cucumbers from her garden because she has so many. I jumped at the chance because I've always wanted to make pickles. She is going to give me even more this week, so I'm going to make spicier spears. It was actually really fun and easy, and I think I was encouraged because all my jars sealed correctly. I had only canned once before and it was also successful, but it was 3 years ago, so I was a little nervous I'd mess up. So happy I didn't! In a few week's we'll be cracking some open for tasting. I really want to crack one open right now. I am all about instant gratification... perhaps canning isn't the best idea?

Tomorrow I am going to go to a local produce stand to buy some tomatoes for salsa canning. I figure I may as well keep at it while I'm feeling all manic, er, enthusiastic! I was going to make more pepper jelly, but why do something I've already done? Plus I think salsa would get used more than the pepper jelly. The recipe I'm using makes 6 pint jars. We'll be set all winter, and I hear that homemade salsa is much tastier than the crappy store stuff. Plus, any excuse to eat tortilla chips.

I want to make pickled cauliflower too. Maybe I'll pick up a head when I make my spicy pickles on Tuesday and just do it all at the same time. I always love the "hot mix" spicy pickled vegetable mix from the store, but I really just like the cauliflower part and none of the other crap in the jar. Plus, there is something slightly weird about it and I bet if I made it myself it would be much tastier.

I made pickled eggs today, too. This is something that most people I know act totally grossed out about, but they are effing delicious. If you like pickled salty things, and if you like deviled eggs, you would like them. I did an experiment months and months ago where I made 4 different kinds of pickled eggs, and the ones that were the best were ones that used white vinegar, salt, pickled jalapenos, hot sauce and chili powder. So I just made those in abundance today. The key with the eggs is a 50/50 water and vinegar mixture, plus spices and salt or sugar or a mixture of the two. I like eating one or two for breakfast.

I'm putting the dumpling situation on hold for right now until I get better supplies, although I did realize after I handed kneaded two batches of pelmeni dough that I indeed have a bread maker that I could have used to knead the dough for me. You know, rather than killing my hands and wrists for 45 minutes straight each time? But I'm sure it was totally character building.

That also made me realize that the whole time I've had this bread maker, I've never used it. That is just plain dumb. It is like fresh bread for dummies! You just dump everything in and turn it on. Why have I never used this thing? So I think tomorrow while I'm canning salsa, I'm also going to make a fresh loaf of rosemary bread. Because I can. (hehe, canning pun?) Oh, and because I like food. If you say you don't, you're either lying or YOU DON'T ENJOY LIFE.